First, I love my gf and 2 weeks ago we got engaged too. But before marriage, I am having lot of thoughts if this is the right time/ decision. My gf used to be a marketing associate and earn 60-70k in east coast. But she keep getting laid off and I donāt see effort from her end. Last job she lost in January 2023 and till now she didnāt find anything. We live together and she donāt pay for anything, before laid off also she only paid for groceries sometimes. I love her and so I just keep accepting this. She do help at home, cooks for me everyday and cleans everything and helps out in chores. She is amazing person and we vibe a lot. But recently I got to know that YouTube etc can make money and asked her if she can make contents for her food blogging as she cooks v well and also she looks good, but she is being lazy and did 1-2 videos and sleeping now on it. She have been always lazy. During our engagement she didnāt give any reaction when I proposed, she just put her finger out for the ring and loved the ring, when I asked why she didnāt give any reactions? She told I didnāt give her a speech. Actually I have already gave her promise ring and a very very long emotional conversation in past still she expected speech during engagement, who does that? If its a surprise. I am getting emotionally drained because I earn not Crazy and everything all expenses for everything comes on my head and despite loving her, I am getting dilemas if I am making a right decision to marry her? We were planning to marry simple marriage by EOY. I donāt know now how to tell her all my thoughts. I donāt want to sound ungrateful and a**hole. Please suggest how I can save this relationship and not be drained out in life. DE 31yo 6yoe Tc: 200k Gf 28yo tc: 0 Live in rented apt east coast Life : not bad Edit : bases on comments She keep telling on every conversation that where is her ring, š she always wanted to marry me, been together 4 years and moved together for 2 years. She even draw rings on my notebook and wrote when you are proposing. I also wanted to marry her like much earlier like an year ago but she told me she want to find a job first then marry. Recently she gave me lots of hint to give her a ring and I finally proposed. But she told me she expected a speech before proposal, this is odd because I donāt know why any girl want a speech on engagement when I already gave her promise ring and a big long speech about my love for her. She is not my maid, I mostly clean house and everyday kitchen after she cooks, 90% of cleaning I do but she helps when needed specially I have dust allergies so she helps out when I am sick. I also cook breakfast everyday for us, she cooks lunch and dinner or eat outside. I donāt cook frequently because she donāt like my cooking and her cooking taste much much better but I do help out whenever needed like 20-30% times if not less, but again she mostly cook and I always clean. I have paid for every meal, every vacation and everything when she is with me, so its not like I donāt love her and I am as**hole, I just feel afraid now considering my life will be terrible working day and night while my gf sleeps till 12:30 PM or sometimes 2 PM and donāt work and have so much expectations from me to give her speech and show my love, take her on dates and buy house soon. I am working hard to elevate my comp, its been rough, got rejected in last rounds for many companies recently. She also dislikes girls with low ambitions and she mentioned to me how she hates one of her bestie settled doing bare minimum job and no her mom is not housewive, she runs a company and tc of family by herself while her dad took retirement due to back injury. So no red flag in her upbringing or environment, she used to be very active but from last year she is getting lazy and lazy day by day and I see no option to make her understand, if I say something on this line, she says I am nagging š .
Do you have leverage? If yes, evaluate.
She is a keeper dude. Get her an easy going job 80-100k ask her to max out 401k rest savings and plan for kids live in lcol or mcol and you will have a great life
How is she supposed to find an easy-going job that pays 80-100k when she was let go from a 60-70k job and was having trouble finding a job in the same range? Sounds like OP's gf might be depressed or has fallen into a negative cycle after the layoff.
She wants to be a housewife
OP was able to catch hints related to the ring, but couldn't catch this š
If she is the one who is cooking and cleaning every day, I don't see a lazy girl!! It's a lot of work. Also, talk to her about how she is doing in general. She's been laid off, and if it's been a year, she might not be Ina good place, it's hard to keep up the motivation to keep looking for a job. Also, it's easier to tell, be a blogger, be a this and that. If that's something she's not interested in, then she'll only feel pressured to do it because you want her to do it. Life is always good when everything is sunshine and rainbows. It's times like this, you need each other's support.
U need to communicate your thoughts to her. The goal is for her to uplift and motivate herself. She will change for you. If not, you should reevaluate the relationship.
If she wants to be a stay home wife / mom and you can afford it, then go for it. Your kids will be way better off.
What do you mean your kids will be way better off? Dude it's just an excuse for bringing up kids in a better way. The kids with not such a great comfortable environment have proved to be so much Happier and successful in life.
My mom was a stay at home parent. All she did all day was talk on the phone with my uncle, sleep, and complain about how hard life was. Stay at home is the easiest job in the world, women have tricked you guys.
Find out how to tell her your thoughts. Talk with a therapist to find underlying causes of discomfort. Personally I believe that if a person is not completely invested in making the relationship work for a lifetime, it is probably better that they not get engaged.
Marriage is not worth it. Especially in California. Go talk to a divorce lawyer about the fucked up shit men have to go through when their wives want to divorce.
Sounds like you should have had a big conversation to align yourselves on what life would look like BEFORE the engagement. But better now than after you actually sign papers. Seems like you want her doing more than chores and you also seem to think sheās ālazyā when it comes to her career. Could she be depressed? Could she be thinking of a career move? Could she be open to be a stay at home wife/mom? And are you ok with the financial burden that imposes on you? The emotional concerns you have, that is hard to tell with the little context we have but it seems youāre not getting what you want, either because she canāt give you the emotional reaction you expected or sheās not giving it in the right way. For both issues, I strongly suggest couples counseling and if you guys can sort things out, you continue with the engagement. If you canāt, better end it now that itās only a ring and not a whole marriage that needs to be undone.
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If she's taking care of the house needs, that's fine. It let's you focus on work.
Are there any house needs though? No kids? Sounds like itās a 1 bedroom apartment. I pay a cleaner $100 / month to clean my two bed to be spotless
Cooking and cleaning alone are valuable. If it's serious cooking, that takes time.