Anxiety

Having difficulty with things lately. At work, I'm not respected/treated fairly. Family doesn't treat me with respect either, one of them is abusive and the other always sides with the abusive family member. I don't have much of a friends circle as whenever people try to push me around or behave rudely with me, I just stop hanging out with them entirely. Not really any good people to date, most of the people I come across have serious flaws, like they consistently miss the phone date, or have unreal expectations like want me to relocate and pay for their home leaving nearly no finances for personal use, it's like being in a prison for life, or are mostly downright rude. Something about my calm and quiet nature makes people want to push me around or behave in a very rude way with me. I always get overlooked for promotions at work, even when I'm the person doing all the work, while the one that gets promoted are those who talk a lot and maintain relationships at work. Due to being bullied all the time, I don't feel confident or don't feel comfortable making jokes in public situations to make people laugh, so I come across as a serious person in groups settings, but I am super friendly in 1:1 settings. If something upsets me, I just quiet down, especially in group social situations. I am amazed by some people's ability to completely switch from insulting others/being super rude, to just laughing and making fun of people. Whereas when I try to say something even politely for a blatant abuse or to set boundaries, people find that very offensive or are taken aback, and put me in a bad light. I am always found to be at fault even when it's the other person's mistake. Like people have the audacity to point to me that it's me who has the issue, when I ask them why they are being consistently missing meetings(like the phone date), or why someone is consistently late(I had a friend who would always make me wait for more than hour in my car waiting to pick them up, even missed out on some events because I got so late I couldn't get a ticket), etc. When I went to a concert with this friend, they forced me to buy an expensive ticket over something that was within my budget, they forced me to buy it saying they wanted to enjoy the show being close to the stage, so I went with it and let them know I'm doing it for them. This same person orders a $53 item for lunch few weeks later, doesn't think twice about buying a $75 pair of gloves in front of me, but fights tooth and nail over their $5 share for a shared plate that they ordered, making me waste two hours of my time to redo the calculations and answer all their questions (like they don't know what food service tax is or how the tip gets calculated, etc. and insist that I'm doing something fishy.) I took the bill and shared everything with them including the calculations, but unfortunately, their math was too poor(not sure how they were able to get a master's degree in CS from a top tier school though 🤷‍♂️) Anyways, feeling really bummed out, it's like people are ready to throw me under the bus or push me off the bridge at a moment's notice even though we've known each other since years. I feel like I'm not good enough for this world. If so spend time doing volunteer work, I am humiliated there too by peers because I get injured or struggle to do something. Like, what the heck is wrong with the world. How do people manage to survive in such a harsh world?