They were mostly absent and in fact toxic. When I was in trouble they left me alone. When I was ill n suffering alone so needed them, they just went to travel. When I lost job during COVID n was about to loose my work visa, I was told not to come back home, I was looking for places n friends to go in event I have to go back in India. They have lied to me about so many things, finances, illness, job n act so secretive as if I am a stranger. N there are a thousand things, when I felt like alone. They say I don't call them anymore, but in reality when I tell them why I stopped they are like it's all in your head. But, now when I am a bit settled down, they want me to book their flights to US n guess what I should be thankful to them that they will visit me now, even if they don't want to come to US. Seriously! 😳😳😳 Tbh, I don't want to fake that things are normal on phone. They aren't n tbh, the phone call is a torture. I just want to say call only if one of you is dieing n needs money or my blood. Otherwise go to hell. They just increase my chronic condition n guess what they are now saying you have nothing you are faking it. N if my mom would learn about it she would fake worrying about it n say I go to temple n pray for you but later taunt to me oh so you are Mr disabled. Tbh, it triggers because of my parents but they act like holy saints. I am so done with all the fakiness. They fight with my relatives n treat grandparents like shit but expect me to support them n not say a word. I just hate my parents n want to forget them n not see/meet them ever in my life. N when I needed to come to my home you didn't allow me, now expect me to travel 36 hours to meet you, live like a guest n leave in 15-20 days. Seriously.. no I don't go 36 hours, utilitize all my leaves to meet you. Growing up my dad did not even took 1 hr to sit with me to see how am I doing but now this. How even toxic parents expect kids to worship them n act all normal n love them. N if we can't we are the problem!
They sound negligent at best and sociopaths at worst. They didn’t care about you when times were bad for you, why should you extend them the same courtesy? Even if they were in need of money or dying, you don’t owe anything to them. They seem to have caused you a lot of mental anguish and they’re still taking a toll on your mental health. Instead of being passive and taking the victim mentality, you need to be proactive about this. You need to take control of this and set boundaries. Otherwise, they’ll continue to control you. If you don’t want to be “tortured” by them and you hate them this much, you have the choice to stop talking to them. Focus on things that bring you happiness. Focus on yourself and what makes you feel good.
Definitely recommend therapy. Mental health in the south Asian community is not talked about often like it is in others. I would try to focus on yourself and what makes you happy. But definitely seek out therapy. I have been in it for over a year and it's been a huge help.
Therapy did not help. It made me more miserable. Blocked my mom, it was good. Left my dad only for emergency but he behavs like we always had close relationship growing up but in reality he was in his own world, just paid my school fees about which we are told 1000 times be grateful for n then never once sat with me. We hardly ever spoke. He never once in life made an attempt to talk, infact when I used to try to make a conversation he would just leave the room or sleep. Dinner time convery were always about him, his job, his problems.. I was bullied in school for straight 3 years, I couldn't eat food, guess what he doesn't even know. N if I ever talk about anything he behaves I am faking it n invalidates. We hardly ever sat down n hardly ever spoke. N if we spoke it was only about me asking some money for school or coaching or something or some permissions.
I connect 100% with this situation. Yeah, acting like saints even though they know that they have their own flaws, they don't accept those flaws or feel sorry for it. They preach me how to treat parents while they haven't done that to their parents. I've been there, man (assuming you're a man).. I only video call them to show my daughter...and keep things superficial...Not share much details with them like salary and so forth..I just keep low profile with them. Once, when they were in the US, they asked me to send money every month. I then asked how much money did you send to grandpa when he (my dad) was married and having to take care of a family of five...he went quiet...Since then he stopped asking me about money...I just showed them their own flaws...when it is clear that they had flaws, they start crying and say how many hardships and sacrifices they had to make to bring me up and send to the US. I told how I saved my money in india while doing a pointless job for 3 years, which paid my application fees, flights etc.. I took $3000 from them when I first came to the US. Later, I have paid them back with a 1.5 Crore house in India..they made some 16 lakh interior decoration which sucks and told me that is the cumulative rent they are paying me...I said I don't live in that house and you made the decorations as per your taste and people fooled you with high costs..instead of being happy that my son bought us a house..they said they are living there by paying rent in the form of interior decoration. Salute to their logic...DM me..I can lend a shoulder
Wow, that generation was full of entitled people. even my parents took over the widow grandmas house, threw her out n now behave like saints, who are just caretakers of house so we should all be grateful of them n praise them. They not only live rent free but also get good rent from house but won't take my grandma to good doctors, last they took her to some charitable hospital that too when I was after them but won't even do anything now, there is physical therapy N aryuveda available for her issues but they won't. My mom won't even let me buyhealth insurance for my grandma n told, let her die. N guess what before throwing out my grandma they got her sign papers to write the home in their own name. N still my mom curses about my grandma n if I say a word she shouts n says I am a bad person. My dad would just see everything n now they are even getting details of my grandma's FDs etc. How shameless! N they wanted me to buy property in India in their name n they will take care of it. I was not saying anything because my mom tortured my grandma so much that my grandma is scared. But, water has crossed the head way before. N what my dad does about anything: nothing. He hasn't done anything for us except paying school fee n food n home bills.. n we should praise him for it all the time.
True picture of Indian culture. Grandparents thrown into a room to die, kids raised by maids or straight up neglected yet hollier than God... Set boundaries. A card or a phone call once in a while is enough for such parents. You do not need to be a sacrificial lamb for them.
But, our Indian culture is great. What hypocrisy we live in. There was indeed a time when Dad used to put their home in loan to educate kids n sell homes to marry daughters, but that grandfathers generation did not say a word, but our parents wants us to be thankful that they breathe.. they ate their parents, wanna eat their kids too.. Unfortunately it's reality of most homes, but if one say we are tagged into you come from a bad family so everyone just keep mum. How much is this generation of parents take advantage is beyond limits.. but kids should be still thankful that you are fortunate to have parents n they are able to take advantage.. 😂😄 you
It's sad.. nothing you can do about their character though. Just get away and live peacefully. This is what both me and my hubs do. Sucks for you grandma. See what you can do for her. Maybe put with different relatives?
How incredibly sad, OP. I am sure your parents did the best they could and obviously set you on the path for success. You are an adult now and responsible for your own life. There seem to be a lot of these posts from your demographic. It must be an incredibly toxic culture or the newly-minted adults have unreasonable expectations.
No our parents did not do best they could.. at least not mine.. I was stoped from best education even after getting admits. Education was a fight but I had to first fight with parents to allow me. My parents had money but believed money spoils, so hardly got new cloths, mostly we will sew at home, never once went out, Dad never gave me time growing up but suddenly realized he is dad. Doesn't even know basics about me while living in same house. He used to avoid our phone conversation as well. I used to make so many attempts up until now (I'm 30+) he won't even pick phone to call me on major festivals..
You are an adult now, your life is up to you. No one has an idyllic childhood. I paid for my own university, many students do. Do yourself a favor and quit excoriating your parents and move on. Check back in when you have raised your own family as a perfect parent.
I’m in 40s and thankful for my parents. I wish everyone had parents like mine and didn’t suffer like OP did.
🙏🙏🙏 You are fortunate. God bless you n your family. I remember the days when I was innocent n would kill for my parents. I don't mind them not doing things for me, but the way they harm me n treat me is disgusting. I just hope that stops. I don't want to be in a place to hate. But, my mom is a highly cleaver lady she knows what exactly triggers you n uses it to hurt you. Anyway, that's the reason no one in society really talks to them or respects them n she needs to try hard to validate n prove things to ppl. (N when I say no one, it really means no one - not even her own brothers or sisters. My mom has zero friends.)
Yeah your parents sound like shitbags. So sad how many bad parents there are out there (even in the U.S. as well) that just see their children as assets to be used and don't really love them. You might want to just try explaining that you need some boundaries, which they probably won't understand. The other thing to consider is that they will try to guilt trip you and you'll need to remember that you control your reaction to this. I know it's hard, but try not to let yourself feel guilty when they do this and just ignore them. You don't have to call or even really help them at all if they treat you very poorly and don't have your best interests at heart. You'd be surprised how many people have to deal with bad parents these days (whether in India or anywhere else).
Yes, n you can't even talk about this 😞 bad wife, bad boss, bad kids ppl keep talking about.. but bad parents you are stuck with them for 70+ years but can't even say anything else there are so many repetcations. My grandparents left so much of property for us. My dad only did super chill job as entire months bill was being paid by the property's rent. But, when I ask to get my share, without even affecting them at all they don't want to untill they die, which would be till I am 80,(given my parents live till 100) but still expect me to pay for their US flights while they won't spend a penny, I paid for my education, they only paid for school fees which again came from grandfathers rental property. But, I should be thankful that they paid, n grateful I have parents. I have achieved n worked 100 times more than anyone in the family, n they use my name to flaunt in front of relatives n friends, but guess what I am aways being told - ",you have done nothing in life, you don't make us feel proud" are kids born to give love or to show off object. Such shitty parents I have. N it's still better, my parents used to control me so much n my mom even affected my relationships, friendships. TBH, having shitty parents is biggest curse which no one talks about. It's unfortunate. I posted here, in fear ppl would judge me n say I am a bad children, bcs that's what I was told anytime I said anything bad about my parents. To my surprise ppl here are understanding even being strangers n are supporting. This is for the first time I felt understood n had some guts to open up. So, thanks for your support.
I know it is a very difficult problem and I don't think anyone has a good answer or solution for it and I also think it is more common than people want to admit. Just do the best you can and try to keep your distance and boundaries.
Oh op... I hope you feel better soon. Certainly get it out of your system. If you are in US - find a therapist. They will be happy to listen to you as long as you need. However, moving past this quickly might be difficult, given the level of anger. There are some meditation techniques out there that help right away. Are you having any other childhood PTSD symptoms? Isolation, loneliness, social anxiety and awkwardness, feeling odd or unworthy, fixated on what other people around you say, do or think. You can Google common trauma symptoms. Do not tell your parents not to call though. They might blow up at you... Just ignore their call and call them for a bit on your own schedule to avoid drama.
Therapist are useless. Half do not get Indian dynamics other half are just waste. Therapy is overrated. Meditation is good n I am doing that. Blocking them is the best. I just kept my dad's number thinking he will not abuse it, but he keeps calling n behaving everything is normal. TBH, we never spoke in life but now that I blocked my mom, she is playing victim card of how holy she is n she misses me, so as to make my dad call n try to say I am crazy. It's traumatic that you are victim n your mom still wants to get sadistic pleasure. She is such a bully. Also, it's important for her to constantly say bad about good people to whome she was bad so that my dad n my brother don't see their reality n keep supporting her. It's her inner fear as she knows she is a bad person.
You’re an adult. As an adult you get to choose what level of relationship you have with your parents. And if you want, you can even choose to not have any relationship with them. Especially since you live in different country, it’s as easy as just ignoring their phone calls or blocking their numbers. If you truly despise your parents and having any sort of relationship with them just makes your life worse, just block them out of it.