Relationship doubts after 10 years.
I am a 29F and my boyfriend is also 29, we’ve been together for almost 10 years now and have been long distance for 4 of those. My boyfriend has had problems getting his career going and always finds himself in jobs that are very menial and don’t pay well. He’s brilliant at what he does but also lacks self confidence in his ability. Over the years I have always been there for him and motivated him throughout. He also got his Bachelors degree as I pushed him and helped teach him. But he still gets stuck in these dead end jobs I want to start my life with him, but I know there will be financial challenges because of this. I have had a pretty steady career and doing well for myself. I have also on occasion helped him with bills here and there. He recently had some major issues in his life and has turned to drugs and smoking mostly as a source of escape. Though I initially understood, it’s taking a toll on our relationship. Due to all these issues and also the financial part I feel I can no longer be there for him the way he needs me to. Now having said that, I have also met someone I have gotten to know and admire over the past year. He’s a very decent guy and has never tried to get close to me or hint at anything. I have found myself often wondering what my life would be if this person and I were together. I find myself to be calm, safe and stabilize around him. It’s everything I miss in my relationship. I have tried distancing myself from those thoughts but they keep coming up. It doesn’t help that my boyfriend keeps calling me and saying that he needs to change his job to earn more money, etc, and I feel emotionally drained talking to my boyfriend sometimes Don’t get me wrong, I do love him and he’s been nothing but a sweetheart to me but it’s just tiring being the one who has to be the strong one every time. I have told my boyfriend that it’s draining me sometimes and he says ok I’ll not tell you, which makes me feel bad. Now I read about the 80/20 rule where you go looking for that 20% that you’re not getting by sacrificing the 80% but I don’t know what to do. Anyone navigated through such feelings before?
So you are going to leave your bf because he earns lesser than you? You are already entertaining other men. Fantasizing about them.
It’s not about him earning less. It’s about me feeling emotional burdened to carry on being the support system. As I mentioned, the things I see in the other guy are the things I miss in my relationship. I merely being honest about my feelings.
Hardship might not be his responsibility but being a junkie is. Means he has no fight in him to improve his situation and instead seeks easy escape. You don't respect him and are thinking about other men. It's over, just move on. This is why many women tend to go for older, more established men. Gambling youth on someone who might end up a loser is not a wise investment for a woman.
I see your point. Thanks for the perspective
Hey I think when you guys started dating, you were teenagers. Over the years people grow and take different paths in life. It looks like you have outgrown your bf who is kinda stuck where it all started. If I were you, I would explore things with the new guy/or someone else and leave the Bf behind. If not now, you are bound to run into bigger issues when you get married- you want to buy a house, have kids, yada yada. You could love someone dearly but you may not be able to live with them in the longer run, so make prudent decisions. Good luck.
I think you might be right about outgrowing each other. But it still makes it so much harder to give up on so many years of love, friendship and memories
Better now than divorce 5 years later owing to sunk-cost mentality. Though, tbh, you could have split earlier.
Move, buy a new phone, change your number and passwords, block him on everything, take a break from social media, and stay single.
Men have no problems being the strong one in the relationship. Can't you be the strong one in yours ? What happened to feminism now ?
While I understand the feminism angle, I am thinking of it from the perspective of will he be able to support me when I have children. No matter how feminist you are, the woman will always bear the children and will the emotional support be there at that time when I need him.
Financial support might not be there, why do you think emotional support will be missing?
Growth comes only from Pain and Suffering. You have outgrown him from your own struggles. I would have suggested to stay but his coping mechanisms are too dangerous to ignore. Sadly as much as you want it to workout sometimes people need a major failure in life to change drastically. And I am telling you the outcome, once you breakup he will completely switch over mend his ways and be the best version of himself but unfortunately you will be the trigger. Don’t blame yourself just think the universe has a different plan for you both and this was a phase meant to be experienced.
Out of all the comments, this was the hardest pill to swallow, tbh. I have always known deep down in my heart that me walking away will be break him down completely and I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself for putting him through that. A part of me always knows he has so much more potential that he gets credit for, but I feel he gets complacent and being a selfish here if me walking away gives him the push and he becomes the best version of himself, would just make me annoyed as hell cause he couldn’t do it for us/me.
Indeed this is true, he will become the best version of himself, no man can handle 10 yrs of relationship breakup Also he will never be trusting a women again, Coz now he knows the truth, if a man cannot perform at the top of his game women will leave. So it's not worth it, to form deep relationship bonds or sacrificing anything for a women, just work on yourself
This post is a reminder for all men, only money can save you. No matter how good, nice, caring you are, she will leave you if you cannot surpass her earning because of "emotional burden" or some other shits... Sometime back i commented, that money directly correlations to a men reproductive success and some dumb people started bashing me. You always have to earn more than your women, otherwise game over ¡¡ Also nothing wrong with women, they are kind of hardwired for men being a provider otherwise she will loose interest. It's in their biology
True, but on top of it, the dude is taking drugs to cope. Even if it was a woman and she was doing drugs as coping mechanism, would you want to start a family with her?
I have no issues, but it should be both ways. If a man becomes successful and leaves for better women in terms of beauty, then he should not be criticised. He will be doing the same thing
I was like ur bf. Except we were newly married. It was a year after 9/11. I had graduated with a big student load and getting a decent well paying job was tough. I managed to get a job that paid me peanuts. With that salary all we could afford was a crappy apartment in a bad part of the city. That job crushed me. I lost my self-confidence. I convinced myself that it was all I was worth. My wife used to tell me that I am worth more and that I should keep looking for other job. But we just fought. Once during a fight she called me some bad thing and made me go crazy. I slapped her. She started crying and i just walked off, not believing what i did to her. Few min later - i see her in our balcony (we were on 18th floor) and she was looking down the balcony. I thought she was getting some air but something didnt look right. I went to balcony and asked her to come inside (it was winter and very cold). She said “go away”. I just stood there. Eventually she came back. Later she told me she was planning to jump off the balcony Thats the lowest we had reached. I shiver thinking abt that day. But we turned the corner. Things got better. She stuck with me through all the bad time. Edit: i never took to drugs as an escape unlike ur bf. The escape for me back then was porn. I became addicted to it and it ruined our sex life at that time.
How can he slap?
She had given birth to our son few mnths ago. I didnt know anything abt post-partum depression that women go thru
You should have broken up earlier. Dating for marriage at your age is not easy. That guy you’re interested in? No guarantee he even likes you that way. Just be prepared to put in real effort, because at 30 the average girl becomes less attractive than the average guy, meaning you will have to adapt to get what you want. You can do it, but it won’t be like when you were younger. Good luck!
10 years is too long to not be married. Living apart at that age = he’s playing the field.
From OP’s post I don’t think so. He seems to just be struggling to get life started. It takes time as a man to get going. Nobody will help you. It’s different experience than that of a woman. This is why I recommend women to date older men for marriage. Dating your age is risky as the man takes a lot longer to stabilize on average.
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