I’m male. I went to this coffee shop and I was reaching out to the restroom. The sign outside said “vacant”, and since I was in a rush to pee , I just opened. And the door was not locked. And there was a woman inside and she was drying her hands(luckily that saved everything, else I don’t know what would have happened). Her friends sitting outside shouted “you should knock the door” with a shrug attitude. They were 10 feet away. I was replying loud, the door sign says “vacant”. And they still replied “you should knock the door?”. I already had a road rage that evening and I was bit off. I was just waiting for the women to come out and used the restroom. I slapped myself in front of everyone for what happened. There were only one other random guy along with this girls group. In the restroom, I was thinking why did I punish myself when it was completely their fault to not lock it. I decided to come out and tell them clearly it was not my fault. **why the hell in this universe I should knock the door if the door sign clearly says “vacant” instead of “in use”?** I always have the urge to explain my point when I’m discussing or arguing. I see they left and saw them approaching their car. I walked fast toward them and instead of clarifying I again said “sorry”(it just came out from my mouth and I didn’t argue). And her friends said “it’s a mistake on both the parties”. I was pissed more and just left the place. I left the place disappointed on myself because i didn’t stood up for myself. All this is because of just one fear “what if they all shout and yell at me and things turn against me”. This was the thing in my heart for years. Instead of explaining my situation and it was not at all my mistake.And I want them to realize it was their fault but I ended up apologizing twice. I have no issues apologizing if mistake is mine. I always do. I have two questions, one specific to this incident and one generic question. Questions 1) why do those women(I’m not generalizing) think that I should still knock the door? Are they entitled? 2) I have two rakhi sisters for whom I stood up all through my life and I still support them. I have been in one long distance relationship. I never misbehaved with any women In public or crowded bus. (Thanks to my mom for strict upbringing who constantly said “it’s ok you don’t study well. But never misbehave with a women and you will lose your character for life”). But my deep down issue is constant fear of “fake rape cases, fake dowry cases etc.” I’m going to talk to my therapist this week. But if you have any pointers or advice, it will help. Thanks. Note: one comment I read in social media that hurt me so bad for years. “Yeah, men has been doing all nasty things for women for decades. It’s fine few men go through fake rape cases”. I was totally shattered that day and it is still in my mind. I know this world is not all that bad. I myself had several women helping me when I was in deep shit. But things like this scare me. I understand women go through 10x of what men go through. I had my sisters cry to me on phone for issues caused by some other men. But how is it justifiable to punish innocent men just because random women who suffered 2-3 decades back. Thanks. PS: initially I thought I would walk past this incident. But it’s been hurting me since last evening. Thanks for hearing me out
All I read was you slapped yourself in public. I would have been weirded out if someone would have done that. I would think the person who slapped himself/herself needs some psychiatric help. So, without knowing much about you, I would recommend you to see a psychiatrist. It’s not normal and probably is a sign
Probably a sign of what? At that point I just want them to realize that I didn’t do it on purpose. And it’s not my mistake.
I am not a psychiatrist to determine a sign. But, to help you here a little bit, why would you slap yourself in public even if it is your mistake?
There was no need to approach them again. At that point you’re just escalating. Just fix it next time.
Yeah. I realized while walking towards them, but this attitude of me explaining things until other party realizes it’s their mistake is still in me. This became a habit especially after getting online debates in social media.
Problem number 1: addressing this post to women asking for advice as a male. They’re going to reinforce your behavior and thank you for the big sign above your head that says “I’m a loser. don’t date me, because I’m not a man and seek validation and advice from people who only know how to be women.” You need to learn, one way or another, that women aren’t here to help make you a man. You do that yourself. Best get started.
itt: Asperger’s
I already had a road rage that evening and I was bit off. I slapped myself in front of everyone for what happened Look into anger management classes Strangers are not responsible for your emotions or your traumas. If you cannot behave in public in a civilized manner (even when dealing with others bad behavior) you do not belong in public. If I saw someone escalating an incident that led to them doing self harm I would have been terrified and likely called for an ambulance for you. You are lucky you weren’t taken in for a psychiatric evaluation. Edit: you followed them outside too? You’re lucky they didn’t pepper spray you. As a woman, the issue is you took a simple common incident of walking on someone in the unlocked bathroom which happens a lot to doing self harm in front of the women and then following them out to a parking lot where women are very often on edge.
True. I definitely need one. I thought I’m good at anger management and agree I’m not especially when it comes to someone not following road rules.
Consider this a rock bottom case for you to take this seriously. You need professional help. I have had the door open on me when in the bathroom because I didn’t properly secure the door. It’s a momentary embarrassment, “oh excuse me” and when I step out, we have an awkward avoiding eye contact and it’s left at that.
Not a big deal. Next time just flip their table over.
Ha ha. You made me laugh 🤣.much needed 🙏
If you actually physically slapped yourself in public, that is a very strange response and you should seek therapy tbh. The normal response is to rebut it “oop sorry it said vacant”, if they give you shit, just shrug it off and move on with your day. Who cares it’s just 2 random people out of 7 billion
Yeah. I always think twice and be 10 feet away from women as any issue with women can escalate and damage one’s reputation.
I aint reading all that. I’m happy for you, or sorry that happened
OP, always remember, you may not have personally harassed anyone but almost all women have been harassed by some man at some point in their life. Is it your issue to solve? Not really. Just think of it how entire groups of tourists are excluded from a destination if even a few cause nuisance. Mostly a few men have ruined it for everyone else and I can’t help but feel sorry for the others who have to walk on egg shells for this. But it’s not just men on egg shells, it’s the women being on edge too. IT IS NOT YOYR FAULT. EVEN THE BATHROOM INCIDENT WAS SOMETHING OF A GENUINE MISTAKE ANYONE CAN FALL FOR. I’m a woman and I don’t remember how many times I end up opening a stall with someone still shitting inside. It’s surprising how many people seriously forget locking or just don’t realize the lock isn’t locked well. It’s as simple as that. Just a mistake on their end too. When they mentioned both parties were at fault, it’s more of a silly mistake and can happen to anyone. When you ask how to “man up” I don’t know what you mean? Like what do you think a “real man” would do in such a case? Even in hindsight? Other than that what makes you obsess over one such detail to prove you’re right or slap yourself? May be that’s something you can work on. That is not a natural behavior.
Thanks a lot for taking time to reply. “When you ask how to “man up” I don’t know what you mean? Like what do you think a “real man” would do in such a case? Even in hindsight?” My question is not about being “real man” or anything? Not sure why it feels that way as other person also mentioend. My question is about “how I can stand up more for myself?” I generally have an attitude to go above and beyond to help others, adjust a lot, bend over backwards and even eat food that I don’t like just because it’s a pot luck, etc. As an extension of that, to pacify that women group who twice told in an arrogant tone “you should have knocked” I slapped myself thinking that would calm down the issue.
“I generally have an attitude to go above and beyond to help others, adjust a lot, bend over backwards and even eat food that I don’t like just because it’s a pot luck, etc.” You have done this for others. You need to consider yourself too. “As an extension of that, to pacify that women group who twice told in an arrogant tone “you should have knocked” I slapped myself thinking that would calm down the issue.” You tried to pacify them but you forgot to pacify yourself. You’re in the same situation as them. You can’t de-escalate if you yourself are hyped up from the incident. The first step to learn how to stand up for yourself is to be kind to yourself. We’ve all messed up, made stupid embarrassing mistakes and that’s what makes us human. It’s Okay. Shit happens. Try not to repeat it but don’t beat yourself up too much either. Imagine a kid who has been over corrected by their parents, kids with extremely strict guardians and the kind of issues they face as adults. You need to be careful how you treat your inner child as we are all one. We all love nice food, fancy toys, want to be accepted in our nearby circles, not work, relax and do what we like etc. Slowly you’ll gain more confidence in yourself. And once you realize the external correction on you is going over the necessary limit, you will have the ability to think and say, “Hey hold on, I made a mistake and I understand and make due apologies but this level of correction is going beyond necessary and now I need to defend myself be it getting back in a way you feel fair or removing yourself from the situation and protecting yourself”. Once you’ve understood this, you can take appropriate measures to truly de-escalate the situation.
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Bro I do the same thing. I’m gonna talk to my therapist about it too. And for the same reason too with the fake rape cases etc. Some women are just too scary tbh with their spread of misinformation and things like “all men are bad”